Forms of Domestic Violence

Controlling behavior refers to how an abuser maintains control or dominance over the victim. They usually believe they are justified in their controlling behavior, and the consequent abuse is the core issue in domestic violence. This behavior is often subtle, pervasive, and nearly always insidious. 

Controlling behavior can include the following:

• 1. Monitoring the partner’s phone calls using caller ID or other phone number monitoring devices, failing to allow the victim to make or receive phone calls.

  2. Calling or coming home unexpectedly to check up on the other partner. At first, this may appear as a loving gesture. It, however, can escalate to become a sign of jealousy and possessiveness.

  3. Invading a partner’s privacy by not allowing them time and space

  4. Not allowing a person’s freedom of choice regarding hairstyles and clothing style. This can include forcing the victim to dress in a particular way, for example, more seductively or conservatively than they are comfortable.

  5. Using children to control the other parent by utilizing kids as spies, threatening to hurt, kidnap, kill, or physical and sexual abuse. It can also include the Department of Child Safety if the victim’s parent leaves the relationship.

  6. Encouraging or forcing dependence by making the victim believe they are incapable of surviving or performing simple tasks on their own or without the abuser.

  7. Checking the mileage of the odometer after the partner uses the car.

Physical abuse is one of the most common and known forms of domestic violence. Generally, this form of abuse refers to physically aggressive and indirectly physically harmful behavior. Additionally, it involves withholding the resources necessary to maintain health and the threat of physical abuse.

They may include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, beating, choking, punching, shaking, pulling, stabbing, pinching, pulling hair, shooting, scratching, burning, pulling hair, drowning, threatening with a weapon, hitting with an object, and threatening to physical assault

• Injuring, abusing, or threatening to injure others like pets, children, or particular property

• Holding the victim hostage

• Withholding physical needs like the interruption of meals or sleep, denying food, transportation, and money, or help when the victim is sick or injured. It can also include locking the victim into or out of the house and refusing to give or rationing necessities.

• The perpetrator hits or kicks doors, walls, or other objects during an argument or throws things around in hunger and destruction of property.

• Physical restraint against the victim’s will, trapping them in a room, being held down, or blocking the exit.

Emotional abuse is any behavior exploiting the victim’s insecurity, vulnerability, or character. It involves undermining or attempting to undermine the victim’s self-worth and self-esteem. Such behaviors usually include constant degradation, brainwashing, manipulation, intimidation, or control of the other partner to the individual’s detriment.

These acts constitute the following acts:

• Utilizing reality-distorting sentiments or behaviors that create confusion and insecurity in the victim, such as saying one thing and doing another, telling untrue facts as truth, and failing to follow through on declared intentions. The latter usually includes denying that the abuse happened and telling the victim they made up the abuse story. It can also include crazy behaviors like hiding the victim’s keys and blaming them for losing them.

• Criticizing or insulting to undermine the victim’s self-confidence. For instance, through public humiliation and actual or threatened rejection.

• Continuously ignoring, disregarding, or neglecting the other partner’s requests and needs.

• Forcing the victim to take alcohol and drugs

• Not permitting the victim to practice their religious beliefs, using religion as an excuse for abuse, or isolating the victim from the religious community.

• Telling the victim, they are incompetent or mentally unstable

• Directly or indirectly threatening or accusing to cause physical or emotional harm or loss. For example, threatening to kill the victim, themselves, or both.

• Using actions, gestures, or statements attacking the victim’s self-worth and self-esteem to humiliate.

• Utilizing any form of coercion or manipulation that is disempowering to the victim.

• Emotional abuse is a common experience many deal with in most relationships. However, it goes beyond intimate relationships with children, relatives, and the elderly.

Sexual abuse is any behavior that utilizes sex to control or demean the victim. You should note that having consent in the past does not guarantee current permission. This form of abuse typically involves physical and verbal behavior. Some of these acts include the following:

• Using coercion, guilt, force, or manipulation, or not considering the other person’s desire to have sex. This can include making the victim engage in sex with others, be involuntarily involved in prostitution, or engage in unwanted sexual experiences.

• Making contact with the victim in a nonconsensual way, such as unwanted penetration (vaginal, oral, or anal) or touching or using objects on any parts of the victim’s body.

• Withholding sex from the victim as a control mechanism.

• Laughing at or making fun of another’s body or sexuality, using offensive sentiments, insulting, or name-calling regarding the victim’s sexual preferences or behavior.

• Having affairs with other people and using that information to taunt the victim

• Exploiting a victim who cannot make an informed decision regarding involvement in sexual activity since they are asleep, disabled, intoxicated, drugged, too young or old, dependent on, or afraid of the perpetrator.

• Displaying excessive jealousy resulting in fake accusations of infidelity alongside controlling behaviors to limit the victim’s contact with the outside world.

In the case of financial abuse, the perpetrator wields their influence over the financial resources in the relationship as a way to oppress the victim. This form of domestic abuse may appear as denying or limiting the victim’s access to funds. Here are some ways an abuser can manipulate economic resources:

• Controlling the family income and not allowing the victim to access the money or rigidly limiting the victim’s access to family funds. It can include keeping financial secrets or hidden accounts, making them turn over a paycheck to the abuser, giving the victim no say in how the abuser spends the money or putting the victim on allowance. It can also manifest in causing the victim to lose a job or not permitting them to take a position. In some cases, the abuser can make the partner lose a job by making them late, calling and harassing them at work, or refusing to offer transport to work.

• Spending money for necessities on unnecessary things such as drugs, alcohol, or hobbies. Notably, the elderly are more vulnerable to this abuse. They are often victims of abusers who use their money without their authorization or knowledge. They may have their signatures forged, money misappropriated from their pensions, or have joint signatory abuse access to their account.

Verbal abuse typically involves coercion, threats, and blame. This form of abuse refers to any abusive language used to embarrass, threaten, or denigrate the other person. Verbal abuse can include the following acts:

• Name-calling such as ‘ugly, ‘bitch, ‘whore’, ‘stupid, etc.

• Telling the victim, they are undesirable or unattractive

• Threatening to hurt or kill the victim, their children, pets, property, family, or reputation

• Screaming, yelling, terrorizing, rampaging, or refusing to talk

Isolation is closely related to controlling behaviors discussed above. It is a unique form of domestic abuse, meaning it can be inflicted by the abuser but can also be resorted to by the victim for several valid reasons. The idea is to maintain control over their victim primarily. By keeping the victim from doing what they want to, seeing who they want to see, controlling how the victim feels and thinks, or keeping them from setting and meeting goals, the abuser isolates the victim from personal and public resources that can help them leave the relationship.

By keeping their partner isolated, the perpetrator is holding the victim from contact with the outside world, which may reinforce the victim’s beliefs and perceptions. It is important to note that isolation often begins as an expression of love to their victims with sentiments such as, “if you loved me, you would want to spend time with me, not your family .” It gradually progresses, and the isolation expands, excluding or limiting their contact with anyone but the perpetrator. Finally, the victim is left alone without any internal or external resources to change their life.

It is also good to note that in other cases, the victim isolates themselves from existing support systems and resources due to shame of bruises and injuries, the abuser’s treatment of family and friends, and the abuser’s behavior in public. Additionally, self-isolation may develop from fear of public humiliation or harm to themselves and others. Sadly, the victim can also feel guilty for the perpetrator’s behavior, the relationship condition, or several other reasons based on the messages received from the abuser.

Stalking is a severe form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is majorly experienced by women, with four out of five cases of this abuse being against the female gender. Simply put, stalking is the unwanted and persistent pursuit of another person. The quest usually leads the victim to fear physical harm or death to themselves, friends, kids, family, and other loved ones. It may occur during or after a relationship or marriage has ended. This form of abuse can harm the victims, causing intense feelings of stress and anxiety, sleep difficulties, excessive vulnerability, depression, anger, eating disorders, and more.

• Stalking has been increasingly recognized as a severe crime in the US. Safety precautions must be taken if happening to you or a loved one. Below is a list of common stalking acts:

• Watching a partner from a distance

• Surveillance of a victim at work

• Mailing cards and other cryptic messages

• Following a victim by car or on foot

• Vandalizing victim’s property

• Breaking into a person’s car or house

• Destroying property to intimidate or scare the victim

• Harassing notes and telephone calls

• Disrespecting visitation limitations

• Breaking into, breaking windows, or vandalizing the partner’s residence

• Violating restraining orders against being in close proximity to the victim